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Unreal Wrestling News of the Week

WWE
There’s wrestling news, and then there’s Kayfabe News — unreal news about an unreal sport.

Described by Mick Foley as “The Onion for wrestling fans,” Kayfabe News turns a satirical eye to the weird world of professional wrestling with daily articles that are almost bizarre enough to be true.

A few headlines convey the satirical lens of Kayfabe News:

Here are a couple of Kayfabe News stories that had us laughing this past week:

Wyatt Undergoes Exorcism

Wyatt exorcismAfter months of increasingly strange behavior — escalating in a terrifying crab-like crawl — professional wrestler Bray Wyatt has successfully undergone an exorcism.

Wyatt’s family members alerted the Catholic church after he repeatedly uttered cryptic mantras such as “follow the buzzards” and “we’re here,” indicating that demonic entities had taken residence in his soul.

This past Sunday, the severity of the possession escalated dramatically when the demons inside Wyatt propelled him across a wrestling ring in an inverted crab-like gait during WWE’s Battleground pay-per-view.

A world-weary Catholic priest, Father Damien Karras, was called to the Wyatt family homestead Sunday to perform the ancient rite of exorcism.

Karras sprinkled holy water on Wyatt while repeating the sacred incantation: “The power of Vince compels you!”

Read the rest at Kayfabe News

 

WWE fans demand refunds after learning wrestling is scripted

wwe fans refundsIrate fans of World Wrestling Entertainment have besieged cable companies demanding refunds after it was revealed last night that professional wrestling is a scripted spectacle of simulated violence.

“This is an outrage,” one fan wrote in a message to his local cable company.

“I purchased WWE Battleground on pay-per-view based on the assumption that it would be a legitimate sporting competition to determine supremacy between elite athletes. Now I learn that wrestling is phoney-baloney?! ”

Fans worldwide were disenchanted and enraged when news leaked last night that wrestling match outcomes are predetermined, and in-ring animosities greatly exaggerated, in order to enhance the dramatic effect.

For decades, professional wrestling has successfully hidden behind the illusion of legitimacy, despite actually being a microcosm of society in which humankind’s collective biases and conflicts are enacted in a pantomimed morality play.

Read the rest at Kayfabe News.

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  • Abudadein

    “The power of Vince compels you!” You guys always crack me up. Keep the satire comin’!

  • Darsow44

    Wyatt needs to keep escalating the behavior as if he’s demonically possessed. I imagine the technical wizards at WWE can figure out how to make his head rotate 360 degrees….

    • Abudadein

      He, he, he……he’s gonna puke!

  • countyboy98

    Wait wrestling is fake? who knew.

  • CatchWrestler

    Poor Brutus…

  • Thorbeard

    Fake?

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