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Unreal Wrestling News of the Week

Sometimes the truth is stranger than satire.

Kayfabe News, the internet’s home of satirical “unreal” news about wrestling, drew worldwide attention last week when hundreds of thousands of readers fell for a fake article.

The story, headlined “Eddie Guerrero Returns After Eight Years of Playing Possum,” lovingly spoofed the late Eddie Guerrero’s uncanny ability to pull a fast one on opponents and referees.

The story spread like wildfire, particularly in the Philippines and Asia, causing the hashtag #EddieGuerrero to trend worldwide on Twitter, and sparking media coverage to clear up the confusion.

Naturally, some people (particularly those fooled) thought the story was “too soon”; we thought it was hilarious, particularly because of the incredulous readers who fell for it.

The story is below, as well as some timely Hell in a Cell-themed stories from Kayfabe News.

Eddie Guerrero Returns After Eight Years of “Playing Possum”

Eddie Guerrero possumPopular professional wrestler Eddie Guerrero, widely believed to have passed away in 2005, re-emerged this week to reveal that he has cunningly been “playing possum” all along.

“Viva la Raza!” Guerrero proclaimed at a press conference this morning, looking a little older but still in fantastic shape and endearingly mischievous.

“I told you I always lie, cheat and steal!”

Guerrero admits he “might have oversold the whole not-being-alive thing,” but that it was worth it just to see the looks on people’s faces when he returned.

“Vintage Guerrero!” exclaimed commentator Michael Cole.

The former WWE champion announced his intention to return to the ring at the Hell in a Cell pay-per-view, where he intends to attack fellow Mexican Alberto Del Rio for kissing his wife, Vickie, and for general gimmick infringement.

Kayfabe News sincerely wishes this story would come true.

 

Riot Police on Standby for Cena Victory

cena riotThe Miami Police Department has ordered all its riot police to be on duty October 27 — the night WWE hosts its Hell in a Cell pay-per-view at the American Airlines Arena — in the event of a John Cena victory.

“We have received several anonymous warnings stating that ‘If Cena Wins, We Riot,’” explained Police Chief Larry McCormick.

“We don’t know who these ‘we’ people are, but they sound serious,” he added. “We’re not taking any chances, because Cena almost always wins.”

Cena has been away from the ring for months to recover from a torn triceps, but wrestling pundits expect he’ll have no difficulty defeating rival Alberto Del Rio upon his return.

Riot police have been instructed to be ready with tear gas and rubber bullets for the inevitable moment that Cena kicks out from Del Rio’s finisher at two.

It is generally believed, however, that the warnings of riots are just empty threats.

Read more at Kayfabe News.

 

“Inescapable” Hell in a Cell Has Unusually High Escape Rate

hell in a cellDespite being billed as a completely “inescapable” steel structure, WWE’s Hell in a Cell cage has been proven over the past 15 years to be eminently escapable.

“That cell is easier to escape than a wet paper bag,” said Mick Foley, who achieved legendary status by escaping (and re-entering) the cage in dramatic fashion on several occasions.

The roofed Hell in a Cell cage, which will feature prominently on this Sunday’s pay-per-view of the same name, was designed to be an unbreachable prison in which bitter grudges are settled once and for all.

But the cage was a failure in this regard from the get-go, as Shawn Michaels escaped the cage when facing the Undertaker during the first Hell in a Cell match in 1997. The door of the cage also proved no match that night for the debuting Kane, who tore it off its hinges.

In the years since, countless men have scuttled underneath the cage, sneaked through the door, clambered to the roof or crashed through one of the chain-link panels.

WWE is reportedly considering a new “inescapable structure” made popsicle sticks and adorned with a sign that reads “No Escaping, Please.”

Read more at Kayfabe News.

 

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  • Abudadein

    That Eddie Guerrero story was one of the best yet. I laughed so hard, I was inspired to pull out my Viva La Raza DVD and watched a bunch of Eddie’s matches against Rey Mysterio, JBL, and Brock Lesnar. Week after week, Kayfabe News delivers and is the first thing I read in the morning. Keep it up guys!

  • Trey Doss

    ik eddie’s gone but if he was alive i wouldn’t put it past him we miss u eddie

  • Darsow44

    Eddie had a great sense of humor. I bet he would have loved this gag!

  • Devon

    I wish the Eddie news was true. RIP to one of the best of all time

  • rhett

    so apparently eddie wouldn’t have been jealous of edge, escobar, big show, and cena kissing his wife

    • xXwindsofchangeXx

      You forgot Dolph and Alberto Del Rio.

  • puckdinah1

    Kayfabe or not, riot police if Cena wins could actually be true.

  • Me

    The “Bound for Glory Hole” story was priceless. I love it.

  • Edynol

    I loved the EG story. Anyone who would get upset over it is not a true Eddie G. fan because a true fan knows Eddie would have loved this.

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