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Unreal Wrestling News of the Week

TNA

Amid all the half-truths, gossip and full-fledged lies in the wrestling business, it can be hard to distinguish truth from fiction.

Thankfully there’s Kayfabe News, which at least is honest about delivering “unreal” satirical news about wrestling.  Described by Mick Foley as “The Onion for wrestling fans,” Kayfabe News skewers the quirky world of wrestling with tongue-in-cheek headlines like:

With its deadpan journalistic voice and irreverent take on the strangeness of pro wrestling, Kayfabe News consistently keeps us laughing. Here are a couple of our favorite stories from the past week.

Dixie Carter rumored as buyer of Smashing Pumpkins

TNA Billy Corgan Dixie Carter, president of Total Non-Stop Action (TNA) Wrestling, has neither confirmed nor denied that she intends to make an offer to purchase alternative rock band The Smashing Pumpkins.

Carter simply replied “no comment” when asked at a recent TNA press conference whether she is the rumored prospective buyer of the band, which rose to prominence in the 1990s “grunge” era with hits including “Today” and “Tonight, Tonight.”

Smashing Pumpkins frontman Billy Corgan has also refused to comment on the rumors, but denies rampant allegations that the band has fallen on hard financial times.

Popularity of The Smashing Pumpkins has been in steady decline since their mid-1990s heyday, leading many to speculate that the group may be secretly up for sale.

Carter has dabbled in promoting independent bands — including a little-known Chicago band called Resistance — but has stated she is interested in full-time rock and roll promotion.

Read more at Kayfabe News.

 

Balding middle-aged redneck still calls himself “Heartbreak Kid”

hbkShawn Michaels, a 48-year-old Texan with a receding hairline and a penchant for camouflage clothing, inexplicably still refers to himself as “The Heartbreak Kid.”

The middle-aged retiree, who spends most of his time killing animals with high-powered weaponry, has a salt-and-pepper beard and will soon be eligible for the seniors’ discount at many chain restaurants.

Yet despite his advancing age and leathery skin, Michaels still clings to a nickname that aptly described him when he was a much younger, more athletic, and sexually virile man.

Although “The Heartbreak Kid” perfectly encapsulated Michaels after his acrimonious split with former tag team partner Marty Jannetty, it no longer applies to a man who is loath to be seen without a hat covering his ever-widening bald spot.

It is generally accepted that Michaels is not a “sexy boy” nor a “boy toy.”

Read more at Kayfabe News.

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  • Abudadein

    I laughed my ass off at these, along with the latest one about WWE signing Mayor Rob Ford as a monster heel. Another recent favourite was the one about Erick Rowan fearing a new wrestler wearing a wolf mask. Always brilliant, always hilarious. Keep ’em comin’ guys!

  • Darsow44

    Ha! Sometimes I wonder if Shawn Michaels feels ridiculous every time he comes out to that same song nowadays.

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