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Unreal Wrestling News of the Week

WWE
There was plenty of real news from the wrestling world this week — Edge made a zinger-filled appearance on Raw, Jim Ross is hanging up the black stetson, and Triple-H is morphing into his father-in-law.

There was plenty of unreal news, too, provided by “The Onion for wrestling fans” (as Mick Foley has described it), Kayfabe News.

The satirical news site lampoons the wrestling business with not-quite-true journalism like:

Irish Whip Known Simply as “Whip” in Ireland

DDP Cures Scott Hall of Addiction to Toothpicks 

Randy Orton Nabbed by Dateline NBC’s “To Catch an Apex Predator”

Here are a couple articles that had us laughing this week:

Orton Realizes He Has Become a Legend, Kills Self

legend-killer-killedProfessional wrestler Randy Orton tragically took his own life yesterday after it dawned on the so-called “Legend Killer” that he had become a legend himself.

In a handwritten note left behind for loved ones, Orton stoically wrote that his suicide was “the right thing to do, given the circumstances, because it’s what’s good for business.”

Orton earned his reputation as the Legend Killer around 2004 after violently attacking and sidelining established stars of professional wrestling such as Ric Flair, Shawn Michaels and Mick Foley.

Having recently become WWE Champion for the seventh time in his career, Orton had transitioned from being merely a WWE superstar to being a bona fide legend.

In order to maintain the integrity of his “Legend Killer” persona, Orton descended (very slowly) into the basement of his St. Louis home and, listening to the voices in his head, ended his life.

In his suicide note, Orton cryptically indicated that he would “go to the papers” if he had to, though no one is sure what he meant.

 Read the rest at Kayfabe News.

Olympics to Feature Professional Wrestling 

olympics wrestlingThe International Olympic Committee announced today that, although traditional Greco-Roman wrestling has been nixed as an Olympic sport, professional wrestling will be featured at the 2020 Summer Games.

The committee stood by its earlier decision to remove amateur wrestling from the Olympics, but has replaced it with the far more interesting and exciting professional kind.

The 2020 Olympic games will feature pro wrestlers “competing” on behalf of their home countries in a single elimination tournament, culminating in a gold medal Hell in a Cell match.

Early reports indicate that Antonio Cesaro will represent Switzerland, Kofi Kingston will represent both Ghana and Jamaica, and the Ultimate Warrior will come out of retirement to wrestle on behalf of his native Parts Unknown.

Read the rest at Kayfabe News.

 

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  • Abudadein

    Big, big fan of Kayfabe News. Love it. Those guys who put these stories together are so creative and very, very funny. I check the site out every day. The readers who don’t “get,” Kayfabe News, are the same people who wouldn’t understand the brilliance of shows like Adventure Time , Regular Show, or the old cult classic, The Hilarious House of Frightenstein. Keep up the great work!

    • Tsall13

      Tell me what’s so funny about a fake suicide? You think it’s actually done in good taste when there’s real ones out there? The people who wrote this garbage and the rest of their ridiculously written articles are just as pathetic and worthless as you… you’re not a wrestling fan you’re just a waste of life with no class and no respect…

      • Darsow44

        To paraphrase: “Real chickens are crossing the road every day and getting run over by cars. We must not joke about their motivations!”

      • Abudadein

        WWE finds the subject of suicide hilarious. Check out the Tim White suicide sketch from Armageddon 2005, and the subsequent suicide sketches they streamed at WWE.com. If suicide humour offends you, better steer clear of movies like Hook, Airplane!, The Hitchiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, and countless others. Add to that comedic theatre productions like The Full Monty, and numerous Looney Tunes and Mickey Mouse cartoons. The list goes on and on. Yes, Kayfabe News did it, and did it well.

      • Toby Tobias

        Your being offended offends me. So who’s right and who’s wrong?? If you don’t like it, don’t read it, but for God’s sake stop being so sanctimonious.

        It must be a miserable existence to have the time to get nerved up about a fake article about guys who pretend to fight in their underwear.

  • Darsow44

    There’s actually a case to be made for pro wrestling at the Olympics, if it were judged by the same standards as figure skating or synchronized swimming (artistic merit, precision, etc). The gold-medal match would be Switzerland vs. the US (Cesaro vs. Bryan). Mexico would have a strong showing, if the IOC allowed athletes to compete under masks. Who would carry the flag for Parts Unknown?

    • Abudadein

      That would definitely be The Missing Link, if he were still with us. I can see him standing up there with a gold medal around his neck, green painted face, mouth open, and pulling on that black tuft of hair at the back of his skull, threatening to headbutt Olympic officials.

    • Fred Bob

      Pro Wrestling is storytelling. If you’re going to allow it, you have to allow Acting in the Olympics as well.

      • Darsow44

        Figure skaters, synchronized swimmers and floor-routine gymnasts would likely argue that they’re telling a story through their movements. Olympic speed-walkers, on the other hand, are merely telling a joke.

    • captainbuck

      I’m sending Cesaro, Kofi Kingston, R Truth, Daniel Bryan, CMPunk and Goldust

  • Kristopher Jordan

    glad to see that randy didn’t take his wife and child with him…that would have been bad business for the company!!

    • xXwindsofchangeXx

      Well, that would have been hard to pull off, seeing as he technically no longer has a wife…

      …Too soon?

      Nah, screw it, this guy referenced Benoit. I look like a saint by comparison. >.>

  • Pedro M. Suarez

    The suicide reference is a bit too much, but to make it funnier, they should have said that Orton was challenging himself at Wrestlemania. In the weeks leading up to WrestleMania, Orton sneak attacked himself with self-delivered RKO’s.

    • Darsow44

      If he were called the “Legend Sneak-Attacker” instead of the “Legend Killer,” your version might work, but….

      • Pedro M. Suarez

        I get the joke, but let’s be real, Orton doesn’t “kill” legends. He sneak attacks them and then RKO’s them for the win. lol. Except for Hogan for some reason.

        • Abudadein

          I think Randy Orton actually DID kill the legendary Moondog Spot in the ring during a match in Memphis about 10 years ago, but I could be wrong about that.

  • xXwindsofchangeXx

    I’m so conflicted at the moment. The angel on my right shoulder thinks the Orton piece was in poor taste. The devil on my left shoulder KNOWS the Orton piece was in poor taste, but doesn’t give a crap because it was very well-executed. I’m conflicted, but I’m also left-handed… make of that what you will.

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