Raw in a Nutshell: A Stumble to the Rumble?

The final episode of Monday Night Raw before the 2013 Royal Rumble had most of the hallmarks of a “go home” show — a crescendo of trash talk, some last-minute surprise attacks and incessant plugs for Sunday’s pay-per-view. The war of words between CM Punk and The Rock raged on, and will almost certainly result in high buyrates (and high anticipation) for the Rumble’s main event. But WWE did relatively little by comparison to build excitement about the Royal Rumble match itself, or about the other matches on the card. Opinions seemed mixed about this week’s Raw, ranging from glowing to groaning. Here’s quick glimpse at the highlights, lowlights and other assorted moments of note.

Best Match of the Night: Should it be any surprise that Dolph Ziggler was involved in arguably the most exciting and entertaining match of the night? That’s practically a sure bet each week.  Despite a less-than-perfect showing by opponent The Miz — who applied the world’s worst figure-four leglock, proving that he didn’t really inherit anything from Ric Flair — the match was still a highlight of the evening’s Beat the Clock series. It was also a big win for Ziggler, as it allowed him to pick his own entry spot in the Royal Rumble (sort of).

Sign of the Night: ”Marry Me Vickie.” It was impossible to know if this was a sarcastic or genuine expression of love for Vickie Guerrero, but either way it was original and puzzling. Then again, Eddie once uttered those three words to Vickie once, and they seemed happy.

Logic Fail of the Night: Vickie Guerrero threatened to suspend three police officers if they didn’t prevent The Rock from entering the arena. Last we checked, Vickie Guerrero was not the police commissioner of San Jose, meaning she probably does not have the requisite authority to take disciplinary action on local cops.

Happy Surprise of the Night: Bob Backlund was announced as the second inductee in the WWE Hall of Fame Class of 2013 — a much-deserved and much-0verdue honor for the wrestling legend. Here’s hoping his acceptance speech is “crazier than a pet coon,” as Jim Ross would say.

Tweet of the Night: @WWECreative_ish: ”Someone tell the ‘cops’ to please not mark out on camera for @The Rock; kinda kills the gimmick #RAWTonight”

WTF Moment of the Night: Immediately after a show-opening tribute to Martin Luther King — including his “I have a dream” speech about tolerance and compassion between all people — we get a recap of The Rock’s schoolyard insults from last week’s Rock Concert (“You look like a hooker, but not the expensive kind,” etc.).  Racial intolerance: bad. Intolerance of moderately chubby women: totally fine, apparently.

Holy Sh** Moment of the Night: What was that red substance trickling from The Rock’s mouth after a beatdown from The Shield? Was that… blood? Seeing “color” on Raw is so rare these days, it does add more excitement and drama to the action (even if it was less blood than you’d get from a squished mosquito).

Swerve of the Night: Although The Rock loopholed his way into the arena by “buying a ticket,” we’ve all seen that schtick before. The true swerve of the night came when Vickie Guerrero gave Dolph Ziggler his “choice” of entry into the Rumble, only to reveal that his choice was more limited than he had assumed.

Psychiatry Line of the Night: “Daniel Bryan, you were a tightly wound little manchild, and you would snap if anyone said anything about your goatface, or about the fact that your beard looks like a hotel for rats.”

The Rock’s Gibberish of the Night: “Stink Pickles,” “Imaginary Nutsack.”

Heel Statement of the Night: ”What’s significant to The Rock is the most meaningless, insignificant thing imaginable,” said CM Punk. “It’s you, the people.”  Punk has to go the extra mile to make the majority of fans hate him — and he’s doing an impeccable job.

Chant of the Night: “Dr. Shel-by, clap-clap-clapclapclap! Dr. Shel-by, clap-clap-clapclapclap.”

Jobber of the Night: Zack Ryder, who failed to launch even a single offensive move against the Big Show. Even Barry Horowitz and Dwayne Gill used to fare better against giants than Ryder did. A burlap sack full of potatoes could have outperformed Ryder. Runner-up: Tensai.

Surprise Star of the Night: Dr. Marion Shelby. Are the anger management segments silly? Absolutely. Do they symbolize the kind of goofy theatrics that some people hate about “sports entertainment”? Definitely. Are they entertaining? Judging by the overwhelmingly positive reactions from the live audience and on Twitter, very.

Nails-on-Chalkboard Moment of the Night: ”If you smellllllll….. Excuse me! Excuse me!…. what the Vick is cooking!”

Worst Match of the Night: It would be hard to describe Zack Ryder versus The Big Show as a “match,” since they were completely mismatched. If you like squashes, you would have loved this one. Big Show didn’t even break a sweat — and he usually gets sweaty just by walking to the ring. By comparison, the Divas’ match between Kaitlyn and Alicia Fox was a Steamboat-Flair broadway.

LOL Moment of the Night: Who could have ever imagined that an arena full of wrestling fans would embrace one another in the world’s largest group hug? Wrestling inspires violence? Nonsense! It inspires hugging, apparently.

Overall Highlights: An entertaining and suspenseful “Beat the Clock” series; some more excellent jaw-jacking between The Rock and CM Punk; another worthy legend named to the Hall of Fame.

Overall Lowlights: Relatively little attention paid to the non-main-event matches at Royal Rumble;  a lot of backstage skits with the Rock berating supposed “police officers”; WWE and The Rock capitalized on Martin Luther King Day in arguably less-than-classy ways.

Stars Tagged In This Post:
Alicia Fox, Big Show, Bob Backlund, CM Punk, Daniel Bryan, Dolph Ziggler, Hall Of Fame, Jim Ross, Kaitlyn, Kane, Paul Heyman, RAW, Ric Flair, Royal Rumble, Tensai, The Miz, The Rock, The Shield, Vickie Guerrero, WWE, WWE Hall of Fame, Zack Ryder