There’s wrestling news, and then there’s Kayfabe News.
Kayfabe News is the internet’s only satirical wrestling “news” site that delivers hilarious daily doses of “unreal news about an unreal sport.”
Mick Foley has called Kayfabe News “Really funny, like The Onion for wrestling fans,” and Jim Ross has lauded it as “funny stuff!”
If you haven’t yet discovered Kayfabe News, a few headlines should give you an idea:
- Match Ends in Time-Limit Draw Before Orton Reaches Ring
- TNA Launches New “Don’t Watch This at Home” Campaign
- “First Man Standing” Match Ends Quickly
Every Friday, we share a couple of our favorite Kayfabe News stories from the past week. They’re still real to us, damnit.
Shawn Michaels Finds Smile, Kills It With Crossbow
Retired professional wrestler and avid outdoorsman Shawn Michaels finally found his lost smile yesterday, then promptly killed it with a crossbow.
Michaels, who lost his smile in 1997, has been searching in vain for the elusive facial feature ever since.
Having retired from professional wrestling several years ago, Michaels has armed himself with a variety of deadly firearms and devoted himself to smile-hunting.
His quest to stalk and kill the missing smile has been the focus of his reality TV show, MacMillan River Adventures.
Yesterday, while on a hunting expedition in rural Oklahoma, the camouflage-clad and wooly-bearded Michaels spotted his smile rummaging through some underbrush.
Wrestling Action Figures Hidden Just in Case Date Goes Well
On the off-chance that his first date with an attractive classmate goes well, avid WWE fan Troy Cooper hastily hid all his wrestling action figures in a cardboard box in his closet today.
Cooper has a near-complete set of LJN action figures — the heavy rubber dolls that were released during the World Wrestling Federation’s 1980s heyday — of which he is fiercely proud.
But since Cooper is also desperately lonely and in need of physical contact with a human female, he haphazardly tossed the entire collection (which only needs Outback Jack and B. Brian Blair in order to be complete) into a box misleadingly labeled “philosophy books.”
Cooper is taking classmate Tessa McKeon to a fancy restaurant for dinner and then to see some insipid romantic comedy at the local megaplex, in hopes of putting her in the mood for lovemaking.
That mood, he correctly assumes, would instantly vanish if McKeon were to catch a glimpse of the wrestling figures, alphabetized by last name, on his bookshelf.