There has been plenty of real wrestling news this week: John Cena’s surgically repaired arm will keep him sidelined for months, Ted DiBiase Jr. has said farewell to WWE, and on Total Divas — well, the less said about that, the better.
So there has been plenty of fodder for Kayfabe News, the internet’s only source for hilarious “unreal news about an unreal sport.”
Kayfabe News provides daily doses of wrestling satire that serve as a reminder that sometimes we all might take wrestling a tad too seriously. As an antidote, Kayfabe News provides articles with headlines like:
- Scientists Confirm That Stomping Foot Makes Punches Hurt More
- TNA Final Resolution Fails to Finally Resolve Anything
- Great Khali Terrifies Sick Children for Break-A-Wish Foundation
Every Friday, we showcase a couple of our favorite Kayfabe News stories from the past week. These ones had us laughing:
Ben Affleck to Portray The Undertaker at WrestleMania 30
Although Affleck has not yet spoken publicly about the rumors, the actor was spotted today at WWE headquarters in Stamford, CT, being fitted for a long black trenchcoat and wide-brimmed hat.
Affleck’s agent would “neither confirm nor deny” reports that Affleck has been spending a lot of time in darkened cemeteries to prepare for the iconic role.
Many die-hard fans are aghast by the news that Affleck may soon portray The Deadman — a role that has been personified for the past two decades by Mark Calaway.
“Ben Affleck will be the worst Undertaker ever,” tweeted one fan who calls himself @Deadman4Lyfe. “Even worse than the fake Undertaker that ‘Taker wrestled at SummerSlam 1994.”
Miley Cyrus Seeks Career Advice from Chyna
Cyrus, who rose to fame portraying the squeaky-clean Hannah Montana, put Chyna’s advice to use last night at the MTV Video Music Awards, lasciviously gyrating and “twerking” in her underwear like a two-bit whore.
Chyna was happy to provide encouragement and wisdom, drawing on her years of experience as a hyper-masculine WWE Diva, a bleary-eyed reality TV burnout, and a freakishly unsexy porn star.
According to Cyrus, Chyna taught her how to “totally gross people out with weird facial expressions, super-slutty behavior and an utter lack of talent.”